Thursday, December 3, 2009

Who Should be in the Dark Knight Sequel?

I decided yesterday to watch Batman Begins and The Dark Knight back-to-back and it got me hard for the upcoming sequel which hasn't really been confirmed but everyone assumes is coming. According to the internet buzz an announcement regarding the next film is expected in Jan '10 and one of the EPs said the third film is set for release some time in 2011. With all this speculation it's time to take a look at who Bats could square off with in the next film. I have assembled a few I think are viable options that I would like to see.

First there is the question of Harvey Dent and the Joker. The ending of Dark Knight made it seem like Harvey had died so it seems Dent/Two-face won't be back in the next one. As for the Joker the death of Heath Ledger kind of screwed that one up. Obviously the Joker wasn't going to just disappear after TDK but now who knows. If he did come back in some capacity a think the most suitable option to replace him would be Michael Shannon, who was nominated for best supporting actor in Revolutionary Road. While no one would be quite the same as Ledger, I think if anyone could pull it off it would be Shannon, definitely not Johnny Depp.

My ideal situation would involve the Joker in a minor, but critical, role, which would allow for Harley Quinn to appear in the next film. Harley, real name Harleen Quinzel, was a psychiatric intern at Arkham Asylum who studied and fell in love with the Joker. She became totally devoted to him and would do anything he asked, despite his frequent abuse and his only wanting her around when he needs to use her in some way. In the next film (B3) they could show some of the interaction between Harley and the Joker in Arkham and have her fall in love with him. He could then use her to attempt to get revenge on his old friend Bats, while he remains locked away in Arkham. If this were to happen it would obviously have to be a darker version of Harley and not the vapid, bubbly, cartoon version from the animated television series. Ideal casting for Harley would be Scarlet Johansen.

Christopher Nolan has said he doesn’t want to put Catwoman in his franchise but I think B3 could benefit from the inclusion of at the very least Selina Kyle as a civilian and not as Catwoman. Selina and Bruce have an interesting relationship and with Rachel Dawes now dead it would bring a love interest into the picture. Having Selina in the picture could also open up the possibility of seeing Catwoman appear in a potential forth film, which could feature the relationship between Selina and Bruce, and Catwoman and Batman. There is a lot of potential in this situation because of the vast amounts of material in the comic books to draw from. Ideal casting for Selina would be Angelina Jolie or Natalie Portman.

Perhaps the most likely villain to appear in the next film is the Riddler. The Riddler, real name Edward E. Nigma (or Nygma depending on who wrote writes it), is a criminal genius who has an obsessive need to leave clues behind at the scene of crimes. The Riddler has appeared previously in Batman forever, portrayed by Jim Carey. The version in Batman forever would of course be unacceptable in Nolan’s Gotham city, but a more complex version, such as the one that has appeared in the more recent comic books, would fit in quite nicely. The Riddler’s inclusion would allow for some immensely complex crimes for Bats to attempt to solve, and could lead to some very interesting life threatening situations for the hero. Ideal casting for Riddler would be Johnny Depp or Hugh Laurie.

In the last two films the dark knight and his associates have done a lot to take down the mob controlling Gotham City. This could create an ideal situation for the introduction of the Black Mask. Black Mask, real name Roman Sionis, inherited a multi-million dollar fortune from his parents after they died in suspicious fashion. Sionis went on to bankrupt the company he inherited and it was only saved when Bruce Wayne stepped in and bought it out. Sionis resented this and grew to passionately hate Bruce Wayne. Sionis had an obsession with masks, going so far as to carve a mask for himself out of his mother’s black coffin. He leads a cultish society called the False Facers and becomes a very powerful mob boss and feared criminal. This story could be easily featured in B3 given the turmoil Batman and the police have reeked upon the criminal underworld in the last two films. In an encounter with Batman Sionis gets the mask from his mother’s coffin permanently burned to his face, which leads to the moniker Black Mask. Black Mask’s targeting of Bruce Wayne (and the employees of Wayne Enterprises) and not Batman would make for some very interesting situations for Bats to deal with. It would add another level of threat to Bruce’s world, since he would now have to be aware not only as Batman, but also in his “regular” life. Ideal casting for Black Mask would be Leonardo DiCaprio or Adrian Brody.

One of the best, but most difficult, characters that could appear in B3 would be Hush, real name Thomas “Tommy” Elliot. To get the full picture of the character I recommend reading the Hush story arc (Batman 608-619), but I’ll attempt to summarize the character. Elliot was a childhood friend of Bruce Wayne, who unbeknownst to Wayne was a sociopath, who went on to become a famous and successful surgeon. Elliot had tried to kill his parent’s as a child but Thomas Wayne, Bruce’s father, managed to save Elliot’s mother. Elliot harbored a grudge against Bruce from then on, although he did not show it. He developed an extremely elaborate plan for revenge against Bruce and disguised himself by bandaging his face. He used many other villains in his plan against Bruce and got the nickname Hush from a nursery rhyme sung by Scarecrow during one of their ventures. Attempting to pull off something similar to the original Hush story arc, while it would make for an epic film, would be quite the undertaking. If Nolan would be willing to bring back Scarecrow, Joker, and Dent (having his death just been a show for the public), as well as introduce a couple other minor characters, this could be a very worthwhile endeavor. Read the story arc and tell me you wouldn’t love to see it played out on screen. Ideal casting for Hush would be Michael C. Hall or Hugh Jackman.

Those are ideas I’d like to see in B3 that I think could easily fit into the version of Gotham Chris Nolan has built. Although I’d love to see some of the above happen I’m 100% certain I will love whatever happens in the next film. I think I’ll start camping out for tickets now. See you in the promise land.

Revamped the blog

Greetings loyal readers. I've decided to purge all the awful shit that was on here and just leave the remotely tolerable articles and also the Kenny Roger's thing to keep the heartland of America stumbling across this barren wasteland I call a blog. Stay tuned for potential actual updates. For now though, Carlton.

Friday, April 10, 2009

Easter

Jesus died for our sins so we get a four day weekend and a bunch of chocolate and sugar. Seems logical to me. Only problem is the banks are closed on Friday and Monday. These are the ideal days for financial planning in my opinion. The best way to start the week is to go to the bank and lay down some solid ground work to ensure your money doesn't get pissed away on waffles and flapjacks. Easter screws this up. Little known fact: the recession started on Easter of last year. Nice job Jesus, way to ruin the world. Dick.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

update

Haven't updated the blog lately because I'm too lazy to write anything of value. Today is no exception. The End.

Saturday, April 4, 2009

Kenny Rogers: MadTV's only good character

For years MadTV has been poisoning our souls with udder shit they pass off as comedy. The only shining light in the years of feces (aside from the line "Now with 60% anal leakage) is Will Sasso's Kenny Rogers character. Kenny Rogers' Jackass parts 1 and 2 make life worth living. It inspires us all with the classic psalm "I was raised on the dairy bitch!" Other than the Jackass sketch other noteable Kenny Rogers sketches are Fear Factor and the boner inducing punk'd. I recommend watching them on the intertubes, but be sure to avoid everything else by MadTV as it is awful and will probably give you yes-Hodgkins Lymphoma.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Meals for Morons: Snack Time

Snack time assholes. Chex-Mix

Ingredients:
Chex-Mix

Open the bag and eat that shit. If you can't figure that out I'd tell you to kill yourself but you'd probably just fuck it up. Wait for me where you are and I'll come murder you. The End.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Meals for Morons: Supper

This weeks edition of Meals for Morons is dedicated to the drug lords of Mexico. I'm pulling for you. Anywhooooooo we have arrived at supper, former family meal now spent in front of the tv. This dish is a little thing I like to call "An Aborted Mexican Financial Investment." The required ingredients are as follows: Rice, Eggs, Salsa, Ground Beef. Cook the rice, cook the eggs, and cook the beef. Mix together and pour salsa on it. Delicious.

Stay tuned next week when I might give a shit about making a proper post.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Words of Wisdom

Goulash, more like foolash meal choice.

Bankers love that saying.

The End

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Meals for Morons: Lunch


Meals for Morons is blogged from part of a live studio audience. This week we will be looking at the mythical meal some refer to as Lunch. A favorite lunch of mine is The Ruttiger Sinclair Egg Sandwich and I will share with you the secret to creating one. The ingredients you will need are 2 slices of bread(banana bread not allowed), 2 eggs, marble cheese, and ketchup.
In order to complete this recipe properly you must be able to multi-task. You put the two slices of bread in the toaster and fry the two eggs at the same time. This may sound impossible but after some practice you will get the hang of it. How you cook the eggs is up to you, but I perfer the yolks to be cook just enough so it's not dripping all over your face while you eat. Noone likes to look like they got a facial from a peep.

If you're really good at multi-tasking you can also try slicing your marble cheese while you're making the toast and cooking the eggs. Marble Cheese is the key. Without it this is just a regular ass shitty fried egg on bread concoction. Marble Cheese makes this shit work. You want slices about a centimer thick for maximum taste to height ratio. Once all the toast is finished and the eggs are fried you begin to construct the sandwich. Place one piece of toast on a plate and make an M on it with the ketchup. W's are also acceptable. After the red letter is in place place one fried egg on top of it. On top of that place your cheese slices, then on top of that the other fried egg. Next apply a ketchup M or W to the other piece of toast and place on top of it all. Now you have a wonderful meal made easily. If you don't believe me read this testimonial from a big fan of The Ruttiger Sinclair Egg Sandwich.


"I love The Ruttiger Sinclair Egg Sandwich. I used to eat it everyday for lunch and once I get a new body I plan on doing so again." - R.M.N.'s G.

Friday, March 13, 2009

Fight Communism by celebrating Pi Day

Tomorrow people across North America will unite in celebration of the greatest math related holiday(next to Arbor day of course). March 14th, or 3/14, is a day when lovers of math, and freedom, come together to eat novelty pies and share there love of expressing the ratio of any circle's circumference to it's diameter with a symbol. If you attend a Pi Day celebration it is polite to bring something similar to the pictures below:




Although Pi Day is a cause for celebration we must also be aware that some people disagree with our celebration. These pinko-commie bastards hail from Europe, the birth of all things pretentious and evil, and do not believe in Pi Day, but rather Pi Approximation Day. They choose to recognize July 22nd, 22/7, because pi is roughly equal to 22/7. This is a load of bullshit propoganda and must not be tolerated. Richard Milhous Nixon would not have put up with this crap and neither should be. We must unite in our celebration of 3/14 as the one true Pi day and show the foul communist hordes their "Pi Approximation Day" has no part in the world of tomorrow. So tomorrow while before you enjoy your novelty pies make sure to spread the word about the true Pi day. God Speed.


I am Richard Nixon's Ghost and I approve this message.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Meals for Morons: Breakfast

Welcome to part 1 of a 4 part series on preparing meals even if you're a lazy, unskilled sack of crap. Today we feature the most important meal of the day: Breakfast. A good breakfast prepares you for your day by supplying mega-nutrients and vitaminos for your most important organ, the spleen. Without a properly functioning spleen you may suffer bouts of sever plug dustery, a serious medical condition. Too prevent this from happening to you I recommend starting everyday off with the typical breakfast for bankers and investment specialists everywhere: Cereal, demonstrating in this poorly created picture.



The key ingredients in this recipe are cereal, milk, a bowl and a spoon. You start with the empty bowl and then select a cereal to pour into the bowl. Popular selections include Rice Krispies, Honey Nut Cheerios, Special K, and things of the sort. The next step is to pour some milk over the cereal until the bowl is almost full. Finally insert the spoon into the mixture and you are ready to eat. Optional extra steps include adding chopped up bananas or blueberries or possibly even strawberries into the cereal. This can add a nice extra flavor to the mix and if there is on thing bankers love its extra flavor. Join us next week for part 2 of the series: Lunch.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

I'm better than you at Super Mario World

I realize that the blog should be star 96 but someone else already has that, presumably because they are a freedom hating asshole. For those of you unaware star 96 is the rating you get when you beat every level in Super Mario World (with the exception of Bower's Castle, which doesn't make sense because you don't even have to get the best rating, but I digress). Example:
While getting four star 96s is not really a big deal the reason I'm better than you is in the speed of beating it. To get a star 96 is possible in under two hours using the turbo function in a snes emulator. To anyone who says thats cheating they can go fuck themselves. My super mario world skills are cash money.

Expect shittier even less irrelevant posts in the future, posted with no regularity. Check daily anyway.